Sometimes i wonder, what would probably happen if i didn’t stopped? Will there be any difference if i still continued?

These questions ran in my head.

Mahal ko ang pagsasayaw. It’s my first love. Kaya hinding-hindi ito maalis sakin. But people changed the way I looked at it.

Maybe it is one of the reasons why i feel incomplete…

I had so many plans for it. I have so many dreams. Yung tipong, makapagsayaw sa isang malaking stage. To perform to a huge crowd in a big event. But i guess it will never happen now.

I made a decision to let go. To give it up, not just because it broke my heart but also for my future. Why would i still continue if i don’t have the heart for it? Right?

But, i missed it! Oh damn how i miss it!

The adrenaline, the energy, the people, the feeling of being someone so amazing on a center stage. God, I loved that! But everything’s changed now… I just gave up the one thing I loved most!

I still bust a move once in awhile tho. Nothing like before but i still can… I think! HAHA

Is it even fair to blame the things that happened to Dance?

I mean, dance is such a beautiful art. The art that I gained to love, cherished and be passionate about. But why do I blame things to it?

Are we doing a tell-all now? Kaya ko ba? Kaya ko kaya? Haha

I remembered, I used to say these lines whenever asked, “ayoko kasi na napapawisan, saka nakakapagod na” or “di ko na kaya sumayaw kasi ang laki ko na”

See? I was trying to dodge the question why, just because of a heart break.

Maybe, it was not dance that breaks my heart. Maybe it was the people around me who did it.

I can never forget this person who questioned our passion just to tend to their needs. As if we are not doing our part then. This kind of things got stucked in my head and never forget. I was so offended by what he said. I mean, i spent all my life to dance, i eat & breathe it, and he’ll just question our intensions. What a bummer!

They made me not love it. They made me feel unimportant. They made me feel alone. They made me go away.

The passion that I had inside of me. The joy that it gave me. The love that I felt for it has gone. And I blame them for it.

They made me not love what i loved the most!

Do i? Do i even really know the truth?

Let’s go back in time. A rewind.

I guess, it all started when i quit the group. The reason? That’s a different story, i won’t be telling about that here, yet…

So then i quit the group but i did not stop dancing just yet. I still do choreos on the side and some covers with friends.

And then, i applied for a position that at that time i was VERY passionate about. I didn’t get it. It broke my heart. But i started to do some zumba classes and some dance performances with friends..

And then slowly… I was feeling a lil’ different. I was not happy. Maybe it was from the broken hearts that dance gave me.

It made me sad. I Lost my spark.

Well, i think… I lost the spark.

The first few months in this new country, i still tried. Me and friends got the opportunity to perform infront of the Filipino community here. Would you believe that? An international performance!

The experience was a delight!

But that was the last of it. Things got a bit different. I didn’t came here to dance, i came here to have a job and work my ass off. And so, i did.

I sacrificed the one thing i really love to do to focus on my future.

And so, I lost the ethusiasm to dance. My friends had to convince me hard just to do some covers with them. But it was just not the same.

I lost interest. I lost my passion doing it. I lost the energy to do them.

Why? One question that until now i do not know the answer… Or do i?

I cannot say that, “everyone who knows me knows that i really love dancing” i can’t, because they know that there was a time where i felt a little off.

But i can say that, if there would be one person who can justify the passion and love that i have with dancing, it would be my mom.

She of all people will tell if how happy i am when i perform. She’s always present in every intramurals that i joined. She always ask for updates if we have any dance engagements and if she can watch. She gives critiques in every dance that i choreographed.

And even up to now, she would still encourage me and friends to keep on dancing. (well mainly because i don’t exercise and i’m getting bigger).

She’s my biggest fan.

Fast forward. When i came to dubai to start a new life, i left my passion back home and well, ended it.

Why did I stopped?

Why the sudden change of heart?

You call it passion but you throw it away easily like as if it meant nothing to you?

Maybe that’s why there are people who questions if you truly are passionate enough with this gift.

I admit, it was not a happy jolly moment all the time. Even if you really love doing some things you still have those moments that you just want to stop.

We were not the creme-of the-crop all the time. Some just couldn’t stand us from being at the same stage and event every time.

Well, you can’t please everybody. There will always be that one person who will just hate you for nothing. Right?

But then again, why do we care? You’re doing what you love doing and then you get paid from it. Sweet! Yeah?

Although things are doing good, it felt a little off for me. I was totally in my zone, dancing in front of a different audiences and choreographing on the side, creating masterpieces of my own. But I still decided to drop it.

For what reasons? Why would I do such a thing?

Passion.

According to Merriam-Webster, “passion is a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something“.

This strong feeling that motivates me to keep on going.

As far as i can remember (if my memory serves me right) it was during pre-school that i first started to dance. The “coconut song” was the title of the song that me and my classmates danced to. Ever since then i never stopped dancing.

Kindergarten to middle school to highschool up to my college years.

But during these years, it was only during school occassions and intramurals that i get to showcase my dancing skills. It was a house to school routine. I never get to experience performing out of my school.

Ever since i started dancing, i believed that i am the greatest. The Best in what i do. Everyone in my school knows me for being “the dancer” and so, i lived up to that image. I was so passionate with dance that i actually prioritized it more than my studies. It was like an air for me to breathe.

In college, i became a part of the school’s Dance troupe. We were the creame-of-the-crop of all the school’s activities. Performing infront of the student body was a joy for me. I always felt like a star whenever i am on stage.

Then right after college i decided to join a dance group, immediately. I actually insisted to be part of their group. That is when i realized that there is more to dance than just dance itself.

It is an art. An expression of your feelings that you cannot say thru words. It is magical. A gift that needs to be seen.

It was my everything. The only thing i wanted to do in life. But i gave it up…

Why did i really leave?

Let’s put an end to this.

This chapter of my life was a tough one. A story that i will never forget.

It was a ferris-wheel ride. A mix of ups and downs.

A carousel, that turns round and round.

A clown, who puts on a face that people wants to see and hides the true feelings inside.

A magician, who acts incredibly credible for people to believe in his tricks.

A ring master, who performs his greatest show for the people around him to see.

It was a circus. The chaotic screams and energetic laughter of the crowd that makes this chapter an unforgettable one.

Maybe, i cannot really say exactly why i left. I know, “Damn you, four episodes and this is what i get for an answer?” to be honest, i myself do not know the exact answer.

Let’s just put it this way. This chapter of my book is what made me leave. Each episode tells something about me and i want you to figure out what it is. Whatever your speculations are, may be the reason why i left.

But to tell you, challenges don’t just come and go. This chapter may be of the past but being able to survive life will always be a battle.

I’m in a place now where i fought my way in. I cannot say that i’m in a good situation now, but, that’s another chapter that i am mending at the moment.

You know what they say, “Everything happens for a reason”

For whatever reason it may be, i’ll just leave it all up to Him.

Until then, this is the story and that is what jerzee says.

IJSS.

Breathe…

Let us breathe for a while.

Yes, i’m with my friends. They’re there. For the longest time that i have them, they played the greatest role ever given: being there for me.

I was at my lowest point. I struggled. I couldn’t share it with my family. For some reason, i just can’t show them that part of me. Pride, maybe? A part of me wanted to know that i can get thru it.

At this point, there’s my friends, who acts as my shoulders. My family, whom i know that will always be at my back. But the only person who i really talked to at that time, was Him.

I returned to Him. I’ve always believed in Him, but it was this moment of my life where i really asked for His love and grace. It made me grow closer to Him.

That part of my life was a challenge that i thought i couldn’t handle. But things went differently. When i thought i was alone, there’s my friends, who’s helping me out, encouraging me to go out and not face it alone. There’s my family, tho i haven’t told them anything i know that they know what i’m going thru that is why they let me face it independently. And there was Him, the hope and faith that returned and made me feel blessed every day.

I am grateful.

Wait, did i ever answered the question why i left?

I needed it?

Well… It was actually a lot of things…

From work, to family, to friends and everything else in between. It was a chaos. My head, that is.

I am a person that thinks a lot. As in a lot! This even causes many sleepless nights. I even diagnosed myself with an insomnia (feeling doctor) . Well, i literally couldn’t sleep.

Remember when i said in my first blog that “the thought of it lingers in my head”? Well, the thought of going nowhere really bothers me…. It haunts me every night, thinking of how can i change things in me, within me.

I needed it.

I need to get out of that place. I have this feeling that, everything around me is against me. I mean, it’s like whatever i do is not good enough. I wasn’t good enough. I felt like i was taken for granted. Like i was invisible. They don’t see me. Not even a slightest appreciation.

It was a hard time for me… Even if i’m with my friends laughing, having a good time, i still have this feeling of emptiness everytime i lay in my bed.

I was lonely. Depressed. My self- esteem went lower than it is before. I doubted myself. I needed to catch an air.

Breathe…